An Apple of Reflection

Back at work for day(nite really) 5 on my 7 day stretch. I am tired, simply no other word for it.

I am also feeling rather inadequate in my life contributions for the day. I had to work this long stretch as we desperately need to OT that it will bring, but, sleep,work, eat leaves me feeling very empty inside.

I miss being a SAHM. It’s been years now since I have been, but I do miss it very much. I feel guilty most days when I have to leave my little guy (who’s not so little but always will be to me) to have to go work.  I have this deep yearning to be at home, crafting, cooking, coming up with new ideas and items for my little business, taking care of my guys and all my “extended family”, i.e. friends, that used to come by and “hang” at our home until all the changes happened.

My husband lost his job several months ago, that one incident caused tidal waves of changes in our lives. In some ways we were very blessed as he was only out of work for 7 months; however, he’s just now getting into the swing of his new career that keeps him away from us most of the month. My husband and I have been married almost twenty years and once a month visits are not what I envisioned for our lives,  at this point.   Some of our “family” have met the same fate and are now working elsewhere, trying to figure out how to pay bills and “make it” in today’s economy. It’s hard out there and it’s hard when those kind of changes occur for things to stay status quo, in all likelihood, they will not.

In the middle of his job loss I decided that I could start my own little business that hopefully with any divine intervention would bring in some extra money. That hasn’t happened. Oh I have the love for my creations, and my little business that I’ve always wanted, but I once again now feel like I’m wading in a sea of doubt and not sure how to find that elusive North Star to wade my way out.

And then there is school for the little guy..he’s in 6th grade this year. I attempted to traditionally home school him last year. When things went wrong, it was difficult to stay motivated to keep him motivated to get thru what he needed to accomplish to be successful. While I know he learned and grew, he learned and grew in the things I felt were most important, not necessarily what a B&M school finds most important. This year we are trying K-12, my son is in the TXVA. If you are of the mindset to find other options for your child’s education I believe this is a good place to start. I am optimistic that even with all our changes this past year that with their tools and assistance that we can get thru this and be successful.

Yes I am a little blue and lost today. Not so much as a person but as to where or what I should do next. I was reading Miss Mustard Seed‘s blog today about losing and finding herself and she said,  “We are a society that defines someone by what they do.” and she is quite right. I thought back to when I was a child, growing up in a very rural area of Texas as compared to how things are today. I had this very conversation with a seasoned lady in the market the other day; my how things have changed. We use to get up and work in the fields, or barns or in the house because it’s what you did. It was an unspoken rule. It wasn’t even necessarily your chores, or you weren’t being punished, you just did it. It helped your family. It helped your neighbors, it helped your community.

I still live in a little less rural area in Texas, and that sort of help, these days, is not easy to find. There are a few tremendously big-hearted people out there that are angels on earth; god bless them. My hair stylist is one of them. She’s such a dear sweet lady, I can’t imagine not having her as a friend. The wrecker company in my area, the owner is such a wonderful kind gentleman, and has always ran when I’ve called. It seems people today are so close minded about others today; they miss out in the good apples in the barrel.

I really understood what she referred to when she talked about “the routine.”  I am feeling quite trapped in that routine. Defined by where I work, where I live and my monthly and yearly income, leaves this bohemian clawing at the walls. I am much to free-spirited for this sort of close minded, self-serving kind of thinking! To which she goes on to say,   ” I really think that this isn’t about the superficial action of doing a hobby, it’s about using your God-given gifts and talents.  It’s about setting an example for your children and inspiring them to pursue their dreams and goals. ”
The AH HA moment. I try very hard to set a good example for my boys. While they are older now and not so little anymore, they still pay attention to the choices I make, my behavior; i.e. how I choose to live my life and share with others in it.  That is not saying, I always make the best choices or don’t show my butt occasionally (depending on who you talk to) but I try.   I used to have a great affliction of not setting up boundaries in my life. A wise woman told me that boundaries are like the fence around your yard. If you have no fence, anyone can walk into your yard anytime and do whatever they like in it. Fix your fence, close your gate and only let in those you so choose, to keep yourself safe, happy, healthy and drama free. What wonderfully simple advice!!! (you’d have thought me being a big girl with two kiddos could have figured that out for herself)  but sometimes our (mostly my) little brain gets so caught up in my own inadequacies of life that I tend to forget the KISS theory..Keep It Simple Sillygirl!

I hope that when my time comes to close here, that I will be remembered as one of those good apples; with a big heart and a warm hug. I hope that when people know me and my children that they see that kindness reflected in us and perhaps find some within themselves to share.