An Apple of Reflection

Back at work for day(nite really) 5 on my 7 day stretch. I am tired, simply no other word for it.

I am also feeling rather inadequate in my life contributions for the day. I had to work this long stretch as we desperately need to OT that it will bring, but, sleep,work, eat leaves me feeling very empty inside.

I miss being a SAHM. It’s been years now since I have been, but I do miss it very much. I feel guilty most days when I have to leave my little guy (who’s not so little but always will be to me) to have to go work.  I have this deep yearning to be at home, crafting, cooking, coming up with new ideas and items for my little business, taking care of my guys and all my “extended family”, i.e. friends, that used to come by and “hang” at our home until all the changes happened.

My husband lost his job several months ago, that one incident caused tidal waves of changes in our lives. In some ways we were very blessed as he was only out of work for 7 months; however, he’s just now getting into the swing of his new career that keeps him away from us most of the month. My husband and I have been married almost twenty years and once a month visits are not what I envisioned for our lives,  at this point.   Some of our “family” have met the same fate and are now working elsewhere, trying to figure out how to pay bills and “make it” in today’s economy. It’s hard out there and it’s hard when those kind of changes occur for things to stay status quo, in all likelihood, they will not.

In the middle of his job loss I decided that I could start my own little business that hopefully with any divine intervention would bring in some extra money. That hasn’t happened. Oh I have the love for my creations, and my little business that I’ve always wanted, but I once again now feel like I’m wading in a sea of doubt and not sure how to find that elusive North Star to wade my way out.

And then there is school for the little guy..he’s in 6th grade this year. I attempted to traditionally home school him last year. When things went wrong, it was difficult to stay motivated to keep him motivated to get thru what he needed to accomplish to be successful. While I know he learned and grew, he learned and grew in the things I felt were most important, not necessarily what a B&M school finds most important. This year we are trying K-12, my son is in the TXVA. If you are of the mindset to find other options for your child’s education I believe this is a good place to start. I am optimistic that even with all our changes this past year that with their tools and assistance that we can get thru this and be successful.

Yes I am a little blue and lost today. Not so much as a person but as to where or what I should do next. I was reading Miss Mustard Seed‘s blog today about losing and finding herself and she said,  “We are a society that defines someone by what they do.” and she is quite right. I thought back to when I was a child, growing up in a very rural area of Texas as compared to how things are today. I had this very conversation with a seasoned lady in the market the other day; my how things have changed. We use to get up and work in the fields, or barns or in the house because it’s what you did. It was an unspoken rule. It wasn’t even necessarily your chores, or you weren’t being punished, you just did it. It helped your family. It helped your neighbors, it helped your community.

I still live in a little less rural area in Texas, and that sort of help, these days, is not easy to find. There are a few tremendously big-hearted people out there that are angels on earth; god bless them. My hair stylist is one of them. She’s such a dear sweet lady, I can’t imagine not having her as a friend. The wrecker company in my area, the owner is such a wonderful kind gentleman, and has always ran when I’ve called. It seems people today are so close minded about others today; they miss out in the good apples in the barrel.

I really understood what she referred to when she talked about “the routine.”  I am feeling quite trapped in that routine. Defined by where I work, where I live and my monthly and yearly income, leaves this bohemian clawing at the walls. I am much to free-spirited for this sort of close minded, self-serving kind of thinking! To which she goes on to say,   ” I really think that this isn’t about the superficial action of doing a hobby, it’s about using your God-given gifts and talents.  It’s about setting an example for your children and inspiring them to pursue their dreams and goals. ”
The AH HA moment. I try very hard to set a good example for my boys. While they are older now and not so little anymore, they still pay attention to the choices I make, my behavior; i.e. how I choose to live my life and share with others in it.  That is not saying, I always make the best choices or don’t show my butt occasionally (depending on who you talk to) but I try.   I used to have a great affliction of not setting up boundaries in my life. A wise woman told me that boundaries are like the fence around your yard. If you have no fence, anyone can walk into your yard anytime and do whatever they like in it. Fix your fence, close your gate and only let in those you so choose, to keep yourself safe, happy, healthy and drama free. What wonderfully simple advice!!! (you’d have thought me being a big girl with two kiddos could have figured that out for herself)  but sometimes our (mostly my) little brain gets so caught up in my own inadequacies of life that I tend to forget the KISS theory..Keep It Simple Sillygirl!

I hope that when my time comes to close here, that I will be remembered as one of those good apples; with a big heart and a warm hug. I hope that when people know me and my children that they see that kindness reflected in us and perhaps find some within themselves to share.

 

Barefoot Who?

It’s the wee hours of the morning here and I’m at my day job..its a little slow at the moment; not that I’m complaining mind you!

There’s a lot going on in my bohemian world right now..and I’m crocheting my fingers off making all my icky little thoughts run for the hills.

Since my blog is new, I’ve subscribed to the WordPress daily email with a “suggested topic” even my over active imagination could use some help sometimes. Today the email was “Why did you name your blog_______; what’s the meaning behind it?”  I thought that was a pretty interesting question considering it makes perfect sense to me but I can see where others would be scratching their heads wondering if I had lost mine.  Adventures of a Barefoot Bohemian is quite obviously me..that’s a given. Adventures are the things that go on in my life and things I embark to try or haplessly fall off into (which does happen).   Barefoot..well if you KNOW me..you know that footwear for me is completely optional unless I can’t get into a store or work without it. I am ALWAYS barefoot..I love shoes..I think they are f a b u l o u s! However, just not on my feet : )  When it’s a must away from work, flip-flops are my choice of footwear..work its a pair of leather mules…anyone else notice a pattern here?  Bohemian..well that is me. I have been called “hippy” (and we weren’t discussing my mid section) “free-spirited” etc. My oldest son totally digs that people think his mom’s a hippy. I find it totally amusing; but my word of choice is Bohemian.

Bo·he·mi·an

   [boh-hee-mee-uhn] noun

1.  a native or inhabitant of Bohemia.   (obviously not me as I’m in Texas)

2.  ( usually lowercase ) a person, as an artist or writer, who lives and acts free of regard for conventional rules and practices. (very me, I have little regard except that I have grown old enough to know when to tuck that away and play nicely)

3.  the Czech language, especially as spoken in Bohemia.  (again not me, I’m good with English and some bad words in spanish, korean, and german..lol)

4.  a Gypsy.  (if you’ve watched my Big Fat Gypsy Wedding at all, so not me however in the sense of wandering from place to place I suppose I fit that description as I have followed my husband around various places in reference to his career at the time)

Thus The Adventures of a Barefoot Bohemian, my life and times barefoot and running around playing life my own way by my own rules and the sometimes hilarity that follows but have no fear at times heartbreak runs amok as well.

Mama wants a new pair of shoes!

So part of my passion of crochet at the moment is web surfing to find all the fabulous patterns and look at what wonderful creations designers make. This week was no different other than I found a pattern I positively could not sit down and wait to make. To top it off, I have had the whimsical pair of dragonfly buttons that I knew I wanted to use but hadn’t found the “just right” project for..this was that project.

Lisa posted this wonderful patterns for a pair of Mary Janes..that are positively adorable and you can tweek them so many different ways depending on the look your trying to achieve. You can find her pattern here:

http://goodknits.com/blog/mary-jane-slippers/

This is the pair that I made from her pattern sharing…

 

I positively LOVso very simple to make and follow her instructions..not to mention they are so wonderfully comfortable and gives you that nice sense of coziness when you’ve had a long day.

In the midst of doing this pattern I’d also seen several seasoned crocheter’s talking about the “magic ring” to help you create the perfect circle…well that is something I sure needed to check out as my circles tend to look more like eggs, kidneys, anything other than a circle. I found an extremely easy to follow tutorial here:

http://carinascraftblog.wardi.dk/2010/07/crochet-magic-ring-tutorial.html

that completely and easily taught me what I needed and wanted to know. I’m still learning this craft..and I have a long ways to go..but with wonderful help along the way such the sites listed above..I’ll get there and have a blast doing it!

~Happy Hooking~

New Adventure….

Well tomorrow my youngest son and I gather up all my crocheted goodies and head south to my bff’s who also creates beautiful jewelry for a weekend long sale that we’re particpating in.  It will be my first, in so far as anything other than my shop on the web and that’s currently not going real hot but I haven’t put alot of effort into it thus far either.

As of this week, I am official with my biz name and all my other legal paperwork that I needed to actually own my own small biz and be legit…it’s both terribly frightening and exciting at the same time.

I’m so hopeful that things go well this weekend and I can get some sort of idea what folks like and don’t out of the products I have to offer….

We’ll see, it’s all over but the cryin now…..

Ambivalent about being ambivalent

It seems like such a silly thing being “ambivalent“. Which I suppose is just a big word for conflicted, torn, etc.

1. 

–noun.  uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

2.

Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings towardthe same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

This is how I feel more often than not these days and I’m not sure why. There are many big changes going on in our house and many things that I am now responsible for that I haven’t had to be for many years of my marriage. Understand that is not to say that I am incapable, however it is to say that when you haven’t done something for any length of time or never at all to begin with, especially at this point in my life, is both intimidating and overwhelming at times.

I have both grown (and by grown I mean early 20’s) children and a young son that is 12 yo. This makes for an interesting dynamic in our home. You would think, or at least I would that, that would make things easier; but at times I think it almost makes things more difficult at times. You can’t spank them or send them for a time out; they’re not naive enough to believe most of the simple things you’d tell a young child to appease their questions or curiosity. And yet in other ways its a wonderful experience; you can have long grown up talks, they can go places with you and you can stay out past bed time, when you cry they come just a bit closer to understanding where the tears come from.

My husband recently changed careers that takes him away from home now. We’re both accustomed to working shift work and having odd hours, working holidays and all the things that went along with it. But seven months ago my husband lost his job and that was devastating for him and our family. We had to completely shift gears again, and now again. It’s really hard sometimes to get in gear and feel good and feel positive about the way things are moving and the direction they’re going. Not because things aren’t necessarily moving in a good way, just sometimes I think we want much more control (or think we have it) than we really do over things in our lives. That my friends, frightens some folks to no end, me included sometimes. I sink back into that idea that I have some control over my life and I suppose to some degree I do, but not the way I would like at this point. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and open/exposed.

It is a HUGE struggle for me to find my “zen” my inner peace for myself. I’ve had struggles my whole life with that particular issue. I know we’ve all had our own struggles, equally joyous and devastating in the lifetime given thus far. Like most things some days are good and some days are not so good…but I keep trying each day to find just one little thing to count as a blessing, to smile over, (not to say that there aren’t more) but some days I have to remind myself that things could be so much worse put on your big girl panties and deal with it!!!! Life is just that…Life : )

No Shame in my Game

Today is one of those days. I’m just not on my game and it’s not looking like I’m going to go in at the last quarter either. We all have those days; I know just some of us handle them better than others. I frankly didn’t want to get out of bed, I did, handled a few things and now I’m ready to go back. I don’t want to exist today. I’ve had my coffee it didn’t fix it. 

Yes, I am having my own pity party, there is no shame in my game, I can say it. Our air conditioning has been out since last week, with no hope as of yet of it being on the mend, I hurt, my hubby is still gone at “training” but not getting anything that remotely looks like a paycheck; and mine just don’t get it, things are starting to pile and that’s when I start to get that “flight or fight” syndrome bad. I’m tired of sweating in my sleep & in my wake not only from central Texas heat but freaking hot flashes and walking around looking like I just got out of the pool, in my work clothes! I’m tired of people saying one thing and things really being another! I’m tired of having expectations of one thing and then finding out I’m waiting around for something that so isn’t going to happen anytime soon. It’s all very disheartening.

Today I’m disheartened and I want to crawl back in my hole.

Day one….

Yes I am blogging…I’m not sure why but with all the changes recently in my life I guess its time that I did something to put my thoughts down and keep up with them. 

My husband will soon be out on the road and the kids and I are hanging in there. It’s very different when the dynamic of your home changes in a major way. Everyone has to adjust and almost start over as our roles change and we have to learn to work together instead of the parents doing everything for them.

I am hopeful that my husband can make enough money eventually that I can stay home, it would certainly be better for my health issues but only time will tell.

I’ve attempted to open my own online store..that’s not going so well. Nothing is moving and I’m becoming frustrated and with all the other changes its becoming more difficult to stay positive about it.

Having grown children in your home presents all sorts of new issues. Its having more adults in your home than “kids” but you still look at them as your kids, because they are!!! It’s difficult not to see them as your children and adults instead as they will always be your children. It’s definitely a challenge!

Oh well tomorrow is a new day and I again will try to do my meditations and my yoga and keep my thoughts positive and focused…its a new day and a new gift… and should be treated as such…enjoy your day to the fullest!